Happiness

(If you read my first blog, this is the first of my crazy ramblings that I refered to.)

I am at a point in my life where I have figured out who I am, but I am still working on what I want and what I need. I need goofy, I need spontaneity, I need passion, I need reassurance, and I need someone who will push me and force me to question my actions. I don’t know all of what I need. I just know that even if all of what I seem to need is there, it doesn’t mean that it is what I want which is a whole different basket of fruit. (that is the weirdest thing to say ever)

How can I find everything that I think that I need and not want it? Is it because I am scared of being happy? I mean it would be quite the change. I don’t know how I would handle it. Being happy is actually really frightening. If you are happy, you don’t have to strive to be better or different, you can just be content with what you are. I don’t’ know if I am ready for that. I guess that it is almost impossible to be happy in all aspects of life; it might be unobtainable. I don’t know if I am depressed or relieved by the last sentence. I don’t even know whether I should be depressed or relieved. Wow the condition of being human is really messed up. (that came from somewhere, maybe Brie’s paper…can’t quite put my finger on it.)

My god I am analytical. I should be some kind of engineer or something. I have to examine every aspect of my thought process constantly. It’s no wonder I am absent minded, I am too busy trying to figure out what I meant and how I felt in every situation that I have ever been thrown into. I am going to drive myself mad. I should stop analyzing and start living.

I think that I am just freaking out about what I need because I like to feel in control of my emotions which allows me to follow my gut and not my heart. I am logical and when I am not, I get nervous. There is nothing more daunting than feeling like someone else controls how you feel. Especially when you know that they have no idea that they have control of it and you don’t know if they are what you need or are even good for you.

Forget all of the above. I no longer believe in the fallacy of happiness. At least I can know that I can strive for the “pursuit of happiness” however trivial the pursuit is. (nothing to do with the game) Maybe the pursuit is the closest any of us will ever get to true happiness. The rest of it all is just ignorance to what we should be worrying about and what should be bringing us down.